Brun Muskaa - Kheema Ghotala - Caramel custard !!!

Its 3am Nov 19^th’07….I’ve had a 14 hr shoot schedule of a corporate film for a leading multinational wherein I had to play an International soccer trainer….my entire body is aching /painfully moaning / givin a feel of an all over cramp….feelin terribly dead and worn out….still I’m kinda charged up with the stories that hav been piling up, a few sips of my fav baileys…a cosy corner on my 11^th flr bedroom window sil…a slight nip in the air….nice soft piano conversation music doin the mood aptly….i cannot not write in this kinda atmosphere……so here u go readers…..

October 22nd..2007....I am the owner of this laptop...a dream i had dreamt years back...frm that day onwards, every slick laptop i'd see, i'd wanna own that...

Durga Puja this time was an experience i have been missing for the last 5 yrs...it was such a trip

down the nostalgia lane...the air….the pulse of the ppl….the laughter …the magic smell in the air…of festivities….of new clothes…shoes….fragrances of varied brands..of different indivisuals….a new tomorrow….new minds (seemingly washed with an air mixed with gallons of Budweiser )...innocent smiles of people with all the limited resources they ever had..being joyous n satisfied abt it and thanking Maa Durga for whatever has been bestowed as blessings…got the opportunity to hook up with quite few of my school friends with whom I happened to take a walk down our common memory lane…the locality of our school…puja at durga bari…Sari clad women during puja…..the right mix of purity n oomph….setting the temp at the optimum level…..the aura of existence around…everything was so gripping that it almost felt like a film being played on a huge live screen…whatever be it, it felt so right so “right here, right now”…

Back to Bombay..on 28^th…in the same rat race..all over again, the same anxieties / uncertainities / question marks…

"Hey, hows life ?"…a simple question that I , as a matter of fact, every human being keep bumping into frm every direction possible….friend….relatives….elders…close ones…distant ones…acquaintances…strangers….assholes….the list goes on….i’ve personally felt that I’ve been able to give the most honest reply of this question, to only the stranger….with whom I don’t need any kinda mask that I’d probably need with someone ne I know at some /any level….fabrication comes by default the moment I have to share any information with someone with familiarity…quite sad…on that pretext, I wish sometimes, if the world was full of strangers who wudnt have any familiarity with each other..…so as to avoid pretence of all magnitudes / form / fabrication….

I’m kinda mind fucked at the moment….its a 360 degree perspective….

Professionally, inspite of all the great possibilities that ppl think I am about to bump onto ( and even I believe in them quite strongly ), can I really go out there and announce to maa that I am ready for marriage ? I don’t think so….there s still a huge question mark on my so-called future figuritatively…on whether I’d be able to save at least 10 lakhs next year or no…not sure..something that any ordinary father of a daughter would worry about….i cant possibly help them understand that theres a bright tomorrow that I can offer to any woman who agree to share a life with me… I cant possibly make them explain in real terms…that I’d actually make it big one day very soon…very big…so big that I’d actually be the identity of my parents…and they would be fine with it…

Wait a minute……is it true that even if the professional scene was all tailor made set, wud I still be up n ready for getting married…for a relationship, may be yes….a rock-solid and meaningful one…which wud have elements that may culminate into something substantial….but straight to marriage ? well, dunno….really…..

Love….a concept which has changed manifolds over the past few years….especially over the years of my stay in bombay…its much more crass…hard hitting…rugged…rough edged and crisp here….than it used to be in calcutta….may be its not about the place…but about my mental / social / emotional / spiritual / sexual conditioning of the moment..which is the way it is whilst I hav been in in this city…a city of independence…a city wherein u can get everything…for “an instance….trust me, everything is “instant” here….remember hearing the word for the frst time when Maggie noodles was launched…come to think of it, the city bears a stark resemblance with Maggy noodles…just a coupla mins and u r done with it….for some illegible reasons I have come across at least a big buncha women who are acutely commitment phoebic..and they are not necessarily all super young …they fall in an average age group of 27…and they very firmly believe that commitment is quite archaic and they’d kinda run away from any kid who came their way talking of a conceivable future…the word “future” is quite an avoidable illusion for this bunch..and the only exciting and “worth bothering” concept to them all , is the present …or to be more precise, this particular “instance”…

Writing….Penning down ur thoughts.........Why do I find it so theaurapetic….so clinical that there are moments whn I get an adrenaline rush of penning down my inner state of affairs and it’s a “ have to.. have to” write kinda situation & it doesn’t come outov ur system, exactly the way I am conceiving it unless I feel the moment is right…its been a long long time that I have so intensely felt the need to write….to vomit all the pent up stuff choking my psychic hard drive and be done with all the inventory, piling up over the past ten months of non-writing hibernation….but funnily, I wudnt land up saying…fuck it now, lets write…u knw that whole drive wasn’t quite there….nothing was really kickin my butt hard enuff to make me do that….as for excuses that I’d give myself, it’d be - oh I dont have a laptop, oh I dont have mucha stuff to document….but may be now, I wanna…may be because inspite of nothing very different has happened in my life over the last few weeks, I still wanna write bcz I had a chance meeting with a stranger…something that I hav been wanting to happen for quite some months now…in my whacky wilderness of “free-falling” thought bubbles, I’d conceive situations, adapt screenplays, do shot-divisions, imagine dialogues & virtually shoot well etched scenes on my psychic image screen outov it….followed by permutations n combinations of possible course of actions undertaken by main characters of the scene, one of which wud obviously be me..and the other would be this interestingly refreshing / free flowing / suave / sophisticated yet careless girl…very very ‘70s…havin a intensely strong mind of her very own…very confused yet very grounded…very private yet very see thru.…as much as u could prolly graze thru her naïve glossy texture without her knowledge, getting a glimpse of a sensible soul that resides in that 5’9” healthy frame…most of the guys I knw, wud call her fat… but to be thouroughIy honest, I find her pleasantly healthy…and reasonably attractive….her entire physicality….her being….dunno if its her unavoidably unnerving eyes../ the calm and almost see thru look it’s capable of givin…or is it her “seen it all pal ” kinda smile at the far corner of her luscious paira lips….or is it her firm yet free flowing walk…or is it her “don’t pee on the wrong tree”….kinda aura…or its it…shit, I can go on n on….

Knw what, the funniest thing she said….” Oh cmmon, obviously u dint walk up to my table with just a plain / simple / harmless conversation in mind “…and she made that comment so unapologetically…..that reflected that more often than not, she has an idea what goes on in a man’s screwd up mind……now on one hand, I do accept and understand her perspective… but then what exactly does she think as to why I did walk up to her…………

U asking me ? well, to be shamelessly honest it was her way of carrying herself…that made me take note of her….not apologetic about anything….yet not rough edged…her eyes would speak loads whenever I caught them giving me a glimpse / glance or something…they’d be followed by a cute nose marking a good punctuation before her luscious lips take over…one of the very aesthetic pair of lips I’ve seen in a long long time and when they part revealing the nicely coined gems inside, I’d be shameless enough to stare at her again….hey, just a thought..even when they wudnt part, just a hint at the far corners wud be equally mesmerizing…in short she does appeal to me and itches me enough to go up to her table at a coffee shop & make no bones about striking a conversation…and so I did it…and guess what….she was glad that I did it…

There were a few pregnant / embarrassing pauses in the first ten minutes of our first day’s chat, but eventually I guess both felt at ease..,she’s a damn private person…. but man when she, inadvertently, starts opening up…& u give her the right kinda attentive listening, theres no stopping….wat u experience is an open smooth informative book…and then when u make her realize that, she zooms back in her shell…her name’s unique, just like her body language..do I have the liberty to say I find her thought…even if I don’t, I do say bcz inspite of the fact that she thinks she ‘s fat, I think she’s hot , not only in the way her mind functions but also in her physicality…eyes /eye brows / lips / hands / feet…the works…that’s enuff for now..aint it….am in a good mod to show this to her tomorrow and make her blush more than she does very day even with the slightest of compliments…..oh enuff is enuff…cant go on bragging about her till eternity…or may be I can…not sure…..

Work’s suddenly looking up….hey, not complaining…trust me….am shooting for a corporate film for a big multi national wherein I need to play the part of an international soccer player training three school kids.…it felt so great during the audition for this project when I gotta show a bit of my soccer histrionics…something that I thought had eroded…but man I surprised myself with whatever I did wit the soccer ball…it was such a trip down the nostalgia lane…in those monsoon afternoons when I’d be soaked in rain n mud from head to toe…having a blast playin soccer with my para cousins / friends…followed by scratches / bruises all over ..slight fever….firing from maa-baba….mugging up for the next day’s exams…that’s a brief snapshot of an average childhood monsoon day….time zooms past before u cud snap ur finger…Two international films will be starting in less than two months frm now…which will get me in all time busy mode in a long time….besides the new tv show for which there have been some major rounds of negotiations…don wanna loose it and yet don wanna undersell myself….kinda tricky clash inside my mind…

Its gonna be a bright sunlit morning, in sometime….my baileys got over….i’m pleasantly high…with the golden dawn about to set in…freak, I havnt met her in a coupla days….& she hates writing texts…which obviously, doesn’t make life any easier…..darn !! am sure she’s busy with work….or may be a show she’d spoken about…till then, I gotta vent it out @ my Blog…..needless to mention, am too dead to run a spell check at this hour....

So, hang loose babes and giggle while u fiddle….….Brb…..in a bit….