Scrambled Brains...Sunny Side Up !!!

Its been a while I’ve been wanting to write........

Since I came back frm shantiniketan early march….went thru a sea of “emotion” waves in my coupla days stay in Shantiniketan and my 10 day stay in cal thereafter…the waves at shantiniketan were more to do with how drastically people grow apart from each other… for the better or for the worse…how wide and un-familiar, spaces become, between people who’ve spent early days of childhood together…it may seem to be a very natural occurrence but doesn’t hit u till u face it one fine morning when u choose to meet these old buddies after ages…and within a span of say ten minutes, u figure that u ppl are speaking different languages altogether…to an extent u don’t really wanna meet them far too often…becoz u knw u r gonna confront more of those moments filled with awkward silences rather than “real catching up” on old times…its so very painful….and it hit me real hard this time when I had a session of the sort ,when I decided to catch up with them over a morning cuppa chai….nothing seemed right…neither the chai nor the conversation which almost boiled down to questions like if I had the opportunity to get in the physical proximity of any hot Bollywood siren...if I ‘ve seen x, y, z in person….which ultimately graduated to questions which meant “ how much do I make a month”..and all I cud do is smile and look at them …

Yeah…. Quite a few scattered phases in infinitesimally small fragments of time….which I tried to gather, nurture, give shape to and then document …but then I’d keep askin “Whats goin on ? “…the answer wud usually be – “I dunno”…looks like, there’s lotov traffic.....of information…mood swings...people.…desires…needs of the hour…..mine & of people around…..expectations at all levels.…a huge gap between expectations set n met….feels like just the other day when i had stepped out for a nice, brisk, straight, un-adulterated walk wherein I’ll come across a docile breeze, refreshing my growing mind n life.…and here I find myself at crossroads…no , may be that’s not the word…nothing is majorly wrong but life lacks that major spark…it not abt “NOT HAVING ” : a) unlimited money b) enough women attention c) not to be able to afford a particular life style / brand d) a holiday destination…..

But its def. about contentment of the heart…its def about feeling blissfully satisfied after making love….lying bare bodied, next to someone special…. gently playing with her finger tips, inhaling the concoction of her natural aroma & the intoxicating perfume, she’s used right beneath the ear lobes.….murmuring to myself…ahh this is it….its def about “not having a life” in the whole scheme of business & things….on the surface, my everyday looks so smooth to any outsider….have a decent place to live…a sorta decent amount of money that I earn every month….some decent new work opportunity coming my way….but still I’m not content…what does it mean ? am I too ambitious…too optimistic…too impractical…too immatured…..too greedy…..am I ?

I don’t think so….

Was missing baba last night like hell….passed by several nostalgic lanes….criss crossing each other….of sultry summer afternoons when he ‘d take me to school….walking…down the posh mandevila gardens road…looking at the apartments in awe….looking at the shining big cars in awe…days used to look so monotonous….so predictable….so very known…the usual rigorous classes till afternoon…then maa will be standing outside the gate in the scorching heat amongst the sea of guardians to take me back home….we’d sometimes make conversations which wud be so regular…so much of small talks….then the usual bouts of football session with my “para” buddies at the ground in our backyard….(which would easily be of the size of a 7 a side football ground)…tired /sweaty / exhausted….back home….a quick wash and I’d be famished…never knowing where and how the subsequent snack (jolkhabar) came frm….it’d be such a typical Calcutta middleclass day for an average school goer….but why do I miss that “so regular” flavour in those days…the simple joys that a bottle of thumps up or a bar of amul milk chocolate would bring one evening to me and my sister…and we’d happily share it in such an ecstatic mood….i miss that sorta contentment….i miss the immense feel of comfort that baba would bring us with his incessant fanning (with a wooden hand fan, popularly known as “haath-pakha”) all night long bcz of the usual powercuts (load-shedding)….and some times running his fingers on my back….in a very weird way I am still so hugely attached to a particular bath soap that baba used most of his life…”mysore –sandal”….and the smell is something I instantly attach baba with, bcz he wud smell of the sandalwood after his evening shower , when he’d come frm the puja with the plate of “Prasad” (usually fruits & baatasha )…Gosh, he used so much an intrinsic part of my mundane life…and an integral part of my mundane trip of nostalgia….it feels so unreal to even imagine that he’s not around physically….The “kalipuja” evenings (diwali) would be a day I would look forward to for the sheer pleasure of the “baaji” that baba would buy me…even my cousin tubun dada (now a software pro in NYC) would successfully get me serious into making of a list of crackers (“Baaji’r taalika) that I need to buy…how crazy !! and believe me the first item in the list wud be “Atash baaji-10 packets”, not knowing that it was a generic name for all sortsa crackers…I miss all that foolishness…the naïve textures of the growing up years…blindly trusting everything n everybody…be able to laugh at myself….i so miss all these in myself…Cant ever forget baba’s face, so complacent when he’d see me thrilled, unveiling the pack of crackers…wish, I ever cared to find out, how he bought them…year after year….

Its been a while I wanted to write these down so that it stops choking me on an every day basis…U knw may be one of the reasons I’ve remained single for the last 18 mnths is that I have always (in my subconscious) looked out for someone with whom I feel like sharing these…my childhood…my “so very middleclass days”…(not that I enjoy any upgradation in state, today) and try n find hers….to share what you wanna give ur children that u imbibed from ur previous generation in terms of human qualities…

U don’t get them easily….rarely, u come across someone, u badly wana talk n discus ur family with, and explain the intrinsic bond u share with them…primarily bcz most of the people wont even understand the language u r talking in…and even if they do, they’d rather focus on other logistics….

Know something…. What I find immensely funny, is a fear that has been settling on my psychic platform for some time now ..its this whole thing of raising a kid in a “digital / virtual / instant” city like bombay…wherein an average kid doesn’t have enough opportunity to play outdoor games….be with nature…sweat it out…get bruised, tough , weathered , seasoned….mentally n physically…when I look at an average kid @ shastrinagar, lokhandwala, or @ pali hill or @ carter road or @ peddar road or @ malabar hill…..They all look very delicate / spoon-feds / very programmed / not worldly wise ( but having information that I dint have until I graduated ) / not knowing how it feels to play football / cricket with a rickshaw wala’s son….stuff that I have had an ample scope of….

Funny !! here I am….single for the past 18 months…affected by the fear of raising my kid in this city….which obviously means, there’s this latent , intense compatibility to the idea of getting married and sharing the rest of my life with a woman….am sure, u laughing…aint u ?